A personal reflection written by Diane Tip
I’ve had OCD for a long time though I did not know it was OCD and for the most part no one else knew I was struggling.
It was my hidden shame.
I don’t even know exactly when it started for me. Probably younger, but I will start at around age fourteen. I was overweight and picked on, so I started starving myself and compulsively exercising to lose weight. Losing weight like that can cause concerns, but the results can also get a lot of positive attention, something being overweight certainly did not do.
It was one of my first obsessions.
Next came a really bad year where several people in my life died. My grandfather committed suicide, my grandmother died and then a friend died of a brain aneurysm. Several animals at a farm where I hung out also died. It seemed death was all around me and the fear of death consumed me.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I struggled to concentrate in school and was not doing well.
My parents had started going to a Southern Baptist church and things got more confusing for me. Mom brought me to the pastor to try and help. He was very kind and not manipulative, but I didn’t really get what he was telling me. Then summer came and the church invited me to go to youth church camp.
I remember telling my mom I wasn’t going to get caught up in the invitational decisions that I heard kids made emotionally. I had very little church background beyond my experience in the Episcopal Church (the church my parents used to attend) so I had no idea what I was in for. For the most part people were kind and it was fun, but one day some pastor who was leading a bible study shared a story of two men who were in a service and they were disruptive, cursing and blaspheming the Holy Spirit. They didn’t heed the pastor’s warning and because of their blasphemy they both died the next day. This shocked and concerned me. There it was again the fear of death.
That evening in the big worship service, fear was festering. Then the thoughts came. Thoughts against God, against the Holy Spirit. I thought was going to die because of those thoughts. I said I was sick and left the service. I had no one I knew there who I could go to, so out of fear I made my way back to the service and long story short ended up accepting Christ during the invitation. I was told all was well, just don’t think those thoughts again. An improbable, if not impossible thing for someone with OCD and undiagnosed OCD at that.
Most people think of OCD as compulsive hand washing and compulsive checking, but OCD takes on many forms. It is a disease where the brain gets stuck on various types of thoughts/fears they cannot get rid of and various compulsions develop in an effort to make themselves ”okay/safe”. Some compulsions are outward like washing one's hands repeatedly or doing some religious ritual. Some are mental, following bad thoughts with certain good thoughts, hoping it cancels out the damaging bad ones. There are so many forms OCD takes in people’s lives, but what they all have in common the fear of something bad that could happen and the need to get it “right”.
At least that is my simplistic way of explaining it. Please listen to your doctors and mental health professionals.
Another common thing among those who suffer from OCD is that sometimes they switch obsessions, like the fear of contamination to now the fear of harming someone and sometimes they experience multiple obsessional focuses at the same period of time. Mine seemed to switch and now it was religion and the fear of eternal damnation. As I write this I imagine it must sound kind of silly to those who are able to brush off intrusive thoughts. Yet even though I can hear it that way myself, I cannot explain how one’s mind can get so stuck and cause so much terror, shame and keep one in mental pain.
I continued my battle with OCD, in particular with religion, since that one summer night at church camp. Very few people ever knew of my struggle. I kept it hidden from friends and family. It was shameful and scary. I feared I would have this struggle till the day I died. And even though I now know the name for it: OCD; then I thought it was a “spiritual darkness” in me. I did not know about OCD till years later and even then I did not accept it as that or get treatment for it. I am not sure much was known then how to treat it.
One reason I share all this is because I looked to the very thing that I struggled with - religion/church to help me get rid of this. I strove to read lots of scripture, memorize scripture, attend discipleship training, repress my sexuality, attend church as much as possible, abstain from alcohol, etc.. I allowed few in the church to know of my struggle and was prayed for, even prayers to rid me of demonic oppression. None of it worked. I know now it was part of my developed compulsions to keep me “okay” with God.
Admitting that is hard because I don’t think my spirituality has been just compulsions and I did find love and community in church but as I now, late in life, have come to terms that I have OCD, it all seems a bit tangled up What do I really freely believe and what I have I held on to as I felt compelled to believe? - There is so much I could write and maybe I will write more later.
For now, I want to say that I hope more churches become educated and aware of mental health struggles (of all kinds) and even how sometimes they can get tangled up in religious beliefs. So many will go to their church looking for help before they would ever think of going to a mental health professional. Additionally, many do not have financial means to afford mental health treatment.
Fortunately, a therapist has helped me see and accept that I have OCD.
According to a research paper by the International OCD Foundation “Up to 10M Americans likely live with OCD, yet only 1 in 6 receive a diagnosis. 95% of people with OCD in the U.S. do not receive the most effective treatment. Effective treatment exists — but millions aren’t getting it and are suffering needlessly. People with OCD are being failed at every step: screening, diagnosis, referral, and treatment.”.
While not all people with OCD have religious OCD I have discovered there are resources and support communities to help people specifically with religious OCD (sometimes referred to as scrupulosity). I now know there are many people like me from all different faith traditions who struggle with religious OCD and have often struggled alone for a long time. Knowing I am not alone and being able to connect with others who understand is helpful as I take steps that can be difficult and scary but also lead to healing and peace.
I wish I had gotten such help a long time ago.
Maybe it didn’t exist then but it does now and I want others in churches to know it is out there.
Now, It is also VERY helpful to be part of a faith community that allows me to be honest with my questions, my doubts and fears. A place that doesn’t have all the answers but knows that God’s love transcends religious dogma. A place that knows sometimes people need help from resources outside of the church and a safe place where people can find acceptance, encouragement and community.
For me right now that is Echoes.
There is concern that more and more people are finding churches irrelevant.
Maybe it’s because churches are so concerned with keeping traditions that they are losing relevance to the needs and concerns of people today. It seems to me Christ came and brought God’s healing love into the daily struggles, questions and needs people were experiencing then.
Who doesn’t need that?
If you or someone you know is struggling with OCD here are some online resources I have found helpful, though this list is by no means all that is available:
International OCD Foundation
-https://iocdf.org/
Specific to Religious OCD
-https://stickwiththeick.com/
-https://accounseling.org/ocd-and-scrupulosity/
